Here’s the thing: This week saw me taking my only child to her new home at university. I note that she wasn’t wearing the watch I gave her and I didn’t ask if she brought it with her. I doubt it. She just doesn’t care about watches. I’ve already written at length about accepting this but the enthusiast in me was wistful. This was a milestone after all and it was a shame that we didn’t get to celebrate it with watches.
Had this milestone happen only a few years ago I wouldn’t have cared either. The important thing is that she’s in university. It was touch-and-go for awhile there. Her original plan was to take a gap year, maybe go somewhere to “find herself” (like we’re Americans who can afford for her to globe-trot). As such, she waited until the very last minute to try to get into university. She got accepted last week to the one school she applied for. Classes started this week. So it was a mad dash. I’m just happy she changed her mind about the gap year. She’s settled in now. She’s got a dorm, she’s enrolled, the rest is up to her.
I’m standing at the precipice of something big I feel. In a few months’ time I’m turning 49, my kid is in university, my career is in the toilet, my personal life is… well… it’s not so great. I’ve gone through the wringer all of last year and most of this year. Listen. There is a pain that is not imagined. It is real. But it’s only real to you. No one else thinks it’s important. Your life in total shamble is another person’s breakfast. To the person sipping their coffee at the next table it’s just easy. So, why is something that’s easy and not important seem like scorched earth to you?
But I’m not forlorn. Not anymore anyway.
Over the past months, I find myself slowly getting back up from the biggest stumble of my life. I’m surefooted again and waking up is no longer dreadful. There are victories. My kid is in college. That’s something to celebrate. There’s always something to celebrate if you know where to look.
So, without taking anything away from my daughter by making it all about me, I secretly, quietly celebrated her milestone by wearing the watch I wanted to remember it by. This would be the 1940s Jaeger-LeCoultre Royal Air Forces World War 2 military watch. I wore the watch, didn’t draw attention to it like I always do with her, and paid attention to her day.
I don’t really have a reason why I chose this watch to mark the university move. It just seemed apropos. Yesterday was her first day of classes. She messaged me and told me she made a friend. I’m happy for her. Of course it’s not over. The worrying never ends with your children. She’s gonna make a lot of mistakes, as we all do at that age, but they’re hers to make. It’s her life.
I’ll have to end this post here. It’s admitted a shorter post than I’m used to writing. But there’s really nothing more to add. I’ll leave you with another Sandman reference. I thought about finding something that deals with hope but decided to go with change instead.
The Escapement Room 