Watch enthusiasts, mainly those who smell of eau de coronet, tend to give watches nicknames. These are sometimes as simple as a snappier, more fun ways of saying a model name, like “Speedy” for “Speedmaster.” Other times, these nicknames get a bit wacky.
Nothing repels a woman more than men having stupid nicknames for their stupid trinkets. I tested this theory on my mother one day, where I showed her a picture of a Rolex GMT Master. “Some men call this watch ‘Pepsi,'” I proclaimed.
“Why?” she asked.
“Because the bezel is blue and red, like the Pepsi logo.”
The look on her face told me exactly what she was thinking, “you can’t be serious.”
I don’t often indulge in nicknames, because I am boring and no fun. I will admit that they are handy in writing/discussion to make quick reference to watches. It is so much easier to say “The Pepsi” than “Rolex GMT Master with the blue and red bezel.” That is one point to nicknames there. I’m also not opposed to the sort of nicknames like “Speedy.” They’re whimsical, and, sometimes, I crave whimsy. “Speedy” doesn’t have the same smell of pretentiousness as many other nicknames do. I can also kind of respect nicknames like “Pogue,” as they’re given to a watch made famous by a person of note wearing it.
I researched nicknames some more and found out that literally anyone can make them up. It doesn’t matter how absurd or stupid or nerdy they are, as long as more than five people say it, it counts. Here are some examples I think are particularly egregious offenders.
(I could go on, but then it would look like I’m picking on Rolex. Hang on… I just realised that the brands with the most nicknames are Seiko and Rolex, which seem to attract the bulk of the most annoying watch enthusiasts. Are we surprised?)
I can do better than some of these. I mean how hard can it be?
Vacheron Constantin Overseas Perpetual Calendar Ultra-thin 4300V/220R-B064 “Patrice Motsepe.”
Patrice Tlhopane Motsepe (born 28 January 1962) is a South African billionaire businessman and football administrator. Since March 2021, he has been president of the Confederation of African Football. He is the founder and executive chairman of African Rainbow Minerals, which has interests in gold, ferrous metals, base metals, and platinum. He sits on several company boards, including being the non-executive chairman of Harmony Gold, the world’s 12th largest gold mining company, and the deputy chairman of Sanlam. He serves on the Board of Trustees of the World Economic Forum.
As you can probably tell by the absence of my own words, I never really knew why Patrice Motsepe was famous. One prominent politician called him an “impostor” and a “fake billionaire” once, which was kind of funny. Billionaire or not, he’s definitely well-off being able to own a Vacheron Constantin like this one. In recognition of him being a good and generous entrepreneur as well as doing stuff with football, I think we should all call this Vacheron Constantin reference “Patrice Motsepe” or “Dr Motsepe” in his honour.
TAG Heuer Aquaracer “Divorce.”
This nickname will see very, very minimal usage, as the watch itself was a limited edition of 200 pieces made to commemorate the 2019 Rugby World Cup victory by the Springboks.
A 2023 World Cup victory watch is yet to materialise, so we’ll have to stick with this one. Since the victory that got even myself (a guy who really doesn’t give a shit about rugby) excited, team captain, Siya Kolisi and his wife have got a divorce. Apparently they’ve grown apart and the world cup star allegedly had a dark side that involved alcohol and strip clubs.
While I haven’t seen Mr Kolisi wearing this TAG himself, the nickname has to come from some Springbok. It was either him or Manie Libbok, and “Divorce” is a much better nickname than “Can’t kick the fucking ball straight.”
Even though I am taking the piss a bit here, my best wishes go out to the Kolisi family.
Grand Seiko SBGS “Better than a Rolex.” / “It really is a Grand Seiko, honest, mate.”
So you want a Grand Seiko, but you don’t have heaps of dough laying around? Great news! The SBGS and similar models from the ’90s and ’00s can be had for sometimes as little as 500 USD. I have considered this watch before and I have something of a soft spot for it. Models like this come with either the 9581/9587 movements or the venerable 9F. The 9F variants are more desirable and also the younger of the bunch.
So why did I not buy one? No one loves this watch for what it is. No one looks at it and thinks, “wow, I love the proportions, or the dial, or the movement, or…” These watches are bought by someone looking for the cheapest possible Grand Seiko, end of story. The dials are good, but not a selling point above something else at the price point. The proportions and case design are good, but not excellent. The movement is great, but if you really wanted the watch for the movement, you’d look at the cheaper Credor or Dolce models. There’s nothing wrong with buying the cheapest watch of a brand just because you’re a sucker for cache, hell, I did that with my Omega and my Eterna, but I don’t hide the fact. These Grand Seikos are bought by people who wish that they could erase the “Seiko” that appears on the dial above “Grand Seiko.” This watch is bought by the type who will make sure that you believe that the watch is all Grand and no Seiko. They’ll maybe even try to convince you that they got a watch better than a Rolex for 500 USD. They get excellent movements and classy design for a decent price, but brand cache is the only missing part of their equation. “It really isn’t a Seiko, man, look! It even says GS right there!”
Lanco “Prohibition of Mixed Marriages Act, Act No. 55 of 1949.”
Not very catchy, to be honest; that’s on me. This name comes from an Act passed in South Africa that barred people from different races from getting married. This was part of the broader Immorality Act, which made things like homosexuality and interracial relationships illegal. Thankfully, I was born into a nation where I cannot legally be forced to sleep with a white woman.
Anyway, this Lanco, from my personal collection, features a dial that was tropicalised from the factory, i.e. a dial that is brown because of paint and not patina. The text on the watch is printed in a greyish-white colour. Being a guy who tried interracial dating a few times and has since made it his entire personality, this is the only link I needed. Like all other nicknames, it has to have a pretentious backstory. I’ll say that the dial is the exact same shade as the skin of a Kenyan lady who I have a serious crush on. Too much?
Looking at it now, when abbreviated, “PoMMA” is a pretty catchy nickname. Rolls right off the tongue. Silly as it is, you’re crazy if you thought I wasn’t going to give a watch I owned myself a nickname.
Luminox Navy Seals LU3015 “Island Boy.”
I don’t think I need to talk for long about this one…
Camy Club-Star 6327 “Ryan Schwartz.”
In the event that one day I become a celebrity, I’m applying for a namesake watch right now. Who knows, I might follow in the footsteps of Patrice Motsepe and get famous for doing my job very well. I could also take after Kim K and get famous for having sex with a camera. The Rod Wave option is appealing too, where I gain notoriety (and money) for making shit music about “fighting my demons.”
Maybe it’s for the best that I stay a relatively unknown watch blogger man, because there are enough stupid nicknames in the watch collecting sphere.
The Escapement Room 