The watch I wore when I lost my virginity

I remember the day, the 20th of March, when I lost my virginity. I remember it mostly because of the insane copulation, but also because it was something like three weeks ago.

I needed to check all the boxes. Mommy didn’t want to be disappointed. I was dressed well, my teeth glistened in the light between strips of blood from brushing them too much and I smelled good, too good in fact. I took Mommy to the perfect restaurant, Konka, which is located on Modjaji St, Pimville Zone 7, Pimville, SA postal code 1809. She was taller than me, largely on account of her seven-inch black heels. She was wearing black lipstick and the cutest pair of thigh-high socks made presumably of cotton, because they remained very breathable while they were shoved in my mouth.

Food was okay. I wore my Casio Edifice chronograph, because it was big and blingy, which was the sort of thing Mommy liked. She took me to a hotel afterwards. I can’t remember its name because I was not exactly very sober. We were on one of the higher floors when she punished me for vomiting on her new heels in the parking area. As I said before, I wasn’t exactly sober.

Eventually, there came a point where she threw the ball into my court and said, “come on, you silly little high-school boy, show me what you’re made of.” I activated the chronograph function.I wish I hadn’t.She told me that I had wasted her evening and that I should learn about self-control. She then recommended I read Jordan Peterson’s Twelve Rules for Life. She got so upset that she started crying as I profusely apologised. I had so much black lipstick on my face that it looked like I had been kicked in the face. I was also kicked in the face with her high heels.

So, gentlemen, my advice is to keep chronographs and snappy catchphrases out of special activities with tall goth mommies. Apparently screaming “go go gadget sperm cells” or imitating the Transformers transforming sound (something like “ouh-uh-uh-uh-ah”) at the top of your lungs is not appealing to women.Maybe she just wasn’t the right one for me.