“Wait, he writes about watches?” My best out-of-pocket quotes of 2024

I’m no stranger to using weird figures of speech to get my point across. I guess it comes from watching too much Jeremy Clarkson on television when I was a little boy. Sometimes I surprise myself at the things I’d write simply because I don’t know a better way of expressing my point.

So, here are my favourites of this year: the weird, the bad, the grotesque, and the perverse all in one post.

What do teenagers do these days anyway? In my town, the answer is usually deliver babies during exams or doing absolutely nothing at all.

— Are Watch Collectors Getting Younger?

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For the sake of my writing’s popularity, we need more teenage girls reading TER. My next few posts will be about the jewellery side of Cartier and the best perfumes to attract a werewolf. It’s a necessary evil, I’m afraid.

— A column about nothing

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I had so much black lipstick on my face that it looked like I had been kicked in the face. I was also kicked in the face with her high heels.

— The watch I wore when I lost my virginity

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It’s like being a megalomaniacal racist in an interracial relationship. “They’re all useless, them, except for her. She’s different for whatever reason.”

— One night stand: Tissot Navigator 44646-1X

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Everyone was poor and everyone was useless.

— “The Escapement Room” nou in Afrikaans

So the average Afrikaans boy did nothing for ten years.  That’s why we have so many stupid people.  What does a boy in the 1970s do without Superman and the Rugby World Cup?  You can’t answer “masturbate” because it’s being done anyway.

— “The Escapement Room” nou in Afrikaans

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Older houses are made of bricks and mortar and bones and the tears of the damned, thus stay standing up for longer, plus they were designed by architects who could use more tools than a ruler.

— They don’t make ’em like they used to…

An old car will be a headache if you don’t maintain it properly. Think fuel additives and explaining to your girlfriend that the “choke” button doesn’t do what she thinks it does.

— They don’t make ’em like they used to…

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She found my message so interesting she’s reading it to this day.

— One-horned cows

Scarcity ≠ value. I am one in eight billion, and I’m still a piece of shit.

— One-horned cows

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Thankfully, I was born into a nation where I cannot legally be forced to sleep with a white woman.

— New nicknames for watches

I could also take after Kim K and get famous for having sex with a camera. The Rod Wave option is appealing too, where I gain notoriety (and money) for making shit music about “fighting my demons.”

— New nicknames for watches

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There, twelve of the best apophthegms to live your life by. The increase in out-of-pocket quotes with later posts confirms a theory of mine: I have gone insane. At the tail end of 2023, I was writing about travelling and fountain pens, about values like generosity and kindness. Now… erm… it seems that my writing has descended into tongue-in-cheek political satire and making fun of celebrities. My blog post history reads like a lead poisoning documentary.