The only thing Valentine’s day is good for is an increase in body oil and body glitter sales. I’m considering investing in those two areas; I’ll make a blooming fortune. Second-hand handcuff prices also usually go up. Don’t ask me why or how I know, but consider this as investment advice for next year.
What does this have to do with watches? Not much, if I’m honest. I have noticed that watch chokers are on the rise with the likes of Taylor Swift and Rihanna wearing them, so the next logical step is the watch gag. Finally, with the aid of a few NATO straps, we can put to use the large watches we have stopped wearing. If you like things a little different, I am also the inventor of the lace panty watch strap. I don’t have a prototype as of yet, but it’s a fashion accessory designed for the caring gentleman who doesn’t want to forget about the most important woman in his life. Our skilled workforce of Southeast-Asian sweatshop workers will stitch together a strap from any garment you send in, with the no-wash scent-preservation guarantee.
More for the ladies, I have the oversized sweater watch strap. It’s designed with maximum comfort in mind with extra padding and no tapering to increase surface are for cuddling. The scent imprint is a factory option, so that means it will smell like me (or Ahmed from sales, depending on who’s in.) Best buy it for the special gentleman in your life and let him wear it to absorb his smells. Seiko has your innermost desires covered with its UC-2000, which has enough memory for 2000 characters of dirty prose. If you order through us at R. Schwartz Chronometer and other stuff Company, something steamy will be typed in before being shipped out. Our state-of-the-art dial printing machine can also print out something that can get blood flowing. Send in your watch, white dials preferred, and our expert writer (myself, or Ahmed from sales, depending on who’s in) will return it with something unique slapped on that will make you feel like a teenager again. Trust me, Ahmed and I know our smut.
Hair can be a huge pain to deal with. Anyone with long flowing locks can relate to this. Well, once again I come to the rescue with the expansion bracelet hair tie. Each unit comes with a certificate to verify that it has not been worn by an old person. Hairs may be pulled when putting it on or taking it off, but no returns will be accepted on this reason. Your hair is getting pulled anyway, so don’t complain when the bracelet does it.
Our boldest endeavour at R. Schwartz Chronometer and other stuff Company was the resurrection of legendary Swiss brand Climax. Our board of directors (myself and Ahmed from sales, depending on the hours we work,) see no better time for a mid-level Swiss brand in the untapped microbrand market. Upon opening the detestable money book, we came to the conclusion that we can only afford sell watches branded Climax during the month of February and winter. If you live in the Northern hemisphere and February is winter, you get one opportunity to give that special guy or gal a Climax. To ensure the success of this revived brand, we have hired a finishing expert from A. Lange und Söhne who has come up with a new bevelling technique called “Edging.” On the timegrapher, it has been found that Edging actually leads to a better Climax overall! While each Climax uses standard off-the-shelf movements, we improve them with updated bridges, jewels and pivots in a system aptly named 4-play. The first wheel through the fourth wheel are checked for play between pivots and jewels and re-engineered to meet the stringent standards of Climax. Sound expensive and time-consuming? You bet. We don’t want each customer to fork out a huge chunk of money, so 4-play and Edging are optional when it comes to a Climax.
That just about wraps up this short write-up from R. Schwartz Chronometer and other stuff Company. For any business enquiries, send a homing pigeon to the big grey building in La Chaux-de-Fonds, Switzerland and we will get back to you as soon as we feel motivated to do so. To place an order, send us an email. For security reasons, our email can only be sent via homing pigeon, so you’ll have to make the first move with your own pigeon before we can reply.
*NOTE: Due to worldwide lubricant shortages, recent Climaxes have been unsatisfactory. Please be patient while we recall and adjust each timepiece accordingly. Thank you for your understanding
R. Schwartz
Managing director
R. Schwartz Chronometer and other stuff Company
La Chaux-de-Fonds, Switzerland
The Escapement Room 